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Saturday, April 12, 2014

Potatoes and Spray Paint

This week has been a week of life lessons for me. And they are ones that I probably should have already learned, but my head is kind of thick sometimes. Ready for me to impart some words of wisdom? Write these down, they are golden.

1) Never put potatoes anywhere you might forget them. Like, say, the trunk of your car. I assure you, in about 4 days you will sorely regret having forgotten where you left them.

2) Never spray paint when it's windy. The only thing that will accomplish is colored snot. And there is no human alive who needs blue snot. No one.

3) Always measure. Not only does this work in construction projects, but regular every day life. Your day will go much smoother if you measure. Always.

I got these 3 wonderful life lessons because, frankly, I'm a moron.

1) I bought 2 bags of potatoes. We use them a lot and they were on sale. Side note- I should marry a potato farmer, if anyone knows any. I had my arms full of groceries and didn't have the room to carry them in. I carried the kids in, and the groceries, and put away the frozen stuff. And lo and behold, my brain could not retain the information it needed to remember to go get those potatoes. Rotten potatoes is a smell that once you smell it, you will never forget it. And unfortunately, I may never get the chance to, as my car trunk still smells slightly of them.

2) Today, I spray painted my wicker furniture. It was a beautiful day out, and the breeze will help everything dry quicker. What it will also do is forcefully shove spray paint into your nasal passages. It will then cause the inside of your nose to feel as if someone has coated it with Elmer's school glue. And when you blow your nose, it will come out a lovely shade of whatever color you picked to paint your items. Mine today happened to be blue. I had copious amounts of blue snot. Absolutely not attractive AT ALL.

3) We bought a new couch. We thought it would fit. We thought. We didn't measure. Apparently in my house, guessing works. Or doesn't work as this is the case. It has taken us 3 days to try to figure out what to do with all the extra stuff in the house, since our couch takes up a million times more space than our last one did. We made it work, with the realization that some furniture must be relocated to someone else's house. I figure by July, our first floor should look like we want it to. The couch is amazingly comfortable, and totally worth the bitch of an effort it took to get it in. It hangs out into our doorway, and looks a little silly, but I will keep it forever. Or until one of the kids break it.

I often blame these fits of complete idiotic behavior on the kids. "I'm tired" or "They were talking and I got distracted" but in reality, it's seriously just me. I can't manage to get my shit together to save my life. All these things happened within the past 72 hours. I honestly hope that the next 72 hours are not nearly as crappy. If they are, I'm sure you'll hear about it.

And now, I'm going to go blow my nose again. I think I may still have blue snot.