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Wednesday, April 30, 2014

The joys of surgical sterilization

Some days I am thankful I got fixed. I absolutely love my babies. But if I had so much as one more kid, I'm not entirely sure I'd make it out of childhood without a mini-vacation to an inpatient psychiatric clinic.

As it is, I'm not sure I'm going to make it through the next 10 years without some form of counseling. These kids are bad. These kids kill me. These kids push my buttons.

The big one is generally rambunctious. He sometimes does bad things. The little one laughs when the big one does bad things. Which means the big ones does bad things more.

They are both incredibly messy creatures. If they are eating it and it falls out of their mouth, they leave it where it lays. If they are holding it and it falls out of their hands, generally they kick it to where it shouldn't be. If they are playing with something and it breaks, they just hide it around the house hoping I won't notice.

If it can be eaten, someone is always eating it. If it can be broken, someone is always trying. If it can be a loud toy, it will be a loud toy. Even quiet toys are loud if you bang them on the coffee table hard enough. If it can be spread all over the floor, it will be spread all over the floor.

Keep in mind, one of these babies is new. Not quite a year old. He's moveable, but he hasn't figured out how to ambulate while carrying something. I'm sure when he figures that out, there won't be a clean spot in my house.

I only have 2. I will never have any more. I have been surgically sterilized (for which I owe my OB/GYN a huge thank you card and some flowers for). Just the thought of having more babies gives me goosebumps and it makes me cringe.

For the record, a woman in the big ones daycare has so many children she needs an extended van to transport them all. The very moment I realized a regular minivan wouldn't fit my crew of children, I would have drowned myself in the shower. God love that woman, but there is no way in hell I could do it. I thought about that the entire drive home and realized that 2 is so many more kids than I need, I literally could not do more.

For those of you who have more than 2 children, my heart goes out to you. No matter how many times you say you love your life, a tiny part of me refuses to believe that.