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Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Sometimes you can't answer why with a real answer

Today I learned you can give a child too much information. Honestly, I've learned this quite a few times, but in the moments of "why?" I often forget the lesson I just learned last week. When you give a literal child too much information, you can create a crisis mode. I did that today. Bad Mommy.

I have never thought twice about honestly answering my sons questions, until they turn around to bite me in the ass. Today, I had a giant chunk taken out of my ass. A. GIANT. CHUNK. And it was ugly. And it made a scene.

Today, I was that parent everyone gives the hairy eyeball to. I was the mother everyone apologizes to when they walk out the door. But the nurses were amused. And I guess that made up for it. Everyone with a medical degree got a chuckle.

A few months ago, Child 1 was biting himself or something equally annoying, and I told him if he bit too hard, he would bleed. Child 1, being the child he is, had to know the in's and out's of what I was talking about. I told him if he bled too much, he would die. If you lose all your blood, you will die.

Horribly graphic I know, but sometimes with Child 1 you have to exaggerate to get your point across. I exaggerated for effect. It worked too, as he has not bit himself or anyone else since I told him about the blood thing. Point in Mommy's column, right? WRONG!

Today, Child 1 had to have blood work done. See where this is going? They were taking his blood!!!!! He almost gave himself a stroke sitting in the lab at the doctors office. People could probably hear him screaming 2 towns over. Mommy then had to explain Child 1's over-the-top reaction to the blood work. Not only do needles scare him, but they hurt, and he thinks he will die.

This began a diatribe which consisted of him telling the nurses that he will have to go to the hospital if they take his blood and he will die. Complete with hyperventilation, crocodile tears and intense screaming. Ever seen a nurse try to be empathetic to a crying child while at the same time completely losing her shit about something you told your child? I have. Before we even left the lab, the story of what I had done was making it's rounds.

The nurse was kind enough to grab a Styrofoam cup from the lounge and give Child 1 a large drink to help calm him down. And bubbles. And a sticker. And a hug. Mommy simply got a smile followed by a "Made my day. Thanks."

I am now that Mommy. The Mommy who creates crisis' with explanations. Here I thought he would have forgotten, but that simply did not happen. I made an ass out of all of us today.