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Monday, March 31, 2014

No one wants to admit it

My friends and I, we occasionally have strange conversations. The conversations I have in my house are of an equally disturbing nature. The randomness of things that we talk about never fails to amaze me. I love every minute of it.

The other day, while driving down the highway, we passed a truck from a honey farm. This sparked a conversation between Daddy and myself. What happens to bees in the winter? Do they hibernate? Do they fly south? Is that truck carrying actual bees in those boxes strapped to the back of their rollback or is it just honeycombs? We actually talked about it. And I googled the answers. If we were going to talk about it, we needed to know.

We discuss other things too, like what happened to that giant missing plane. We have talked about our theories and what we think happened. We talk about the president and what his crazy ass if proposing we have to pay for this week. We talk about the weather. We talk about our children. Recently, we discussed moving (strictly a conversation before anyone gets pissy, not actually planning anything as of yet.)

We also discuss things that happen, or that we do, that are silly and stupid. I got to thinking about the amount of stupid things that happen to me, or because of me. I thought I would share some because it's been a while since I was funny. The serious posts were starting to make my brain hurt.

*Sometimes, I pee in the shower. I have to. Showering is the only time I have total privacy in this house. And even then I have to holler some answer to some question out the door during the shower. To go to the bathroom during the day, I must leave the door open. So they can investigate where I went.

*Sometimes, I screw up dinner. The other night I decided to make some boxed chicken meal that proclaimed all you had to do was add chicken. They were so wrong. If all you had to do was add chicken, it wouldn't have come out of the oven looking like mushed hell. It was so awful we had to order pizza. We ate a little late that night, but no one died. I'm sure it will happen again too. I see recipes as more of a guideline. Maybe that's my problem.

*I don't always answer my phone. A lot of people think my phone is always on silent. Most of the time, it is. I forget to turn the volume back on. And as of recently, there is no app you can download to change your volume for you at a pre-set time. And if any of you develop that, I am proclaiming here I want half of your profits as it was my idea. But sometimes, I see who is calling, make a face and hit the silent button. Yeah, I do that. Not ashamed either. Sometimes I just can't handle another stupid conversation. I have enough of those.

*I have days when I have to talk myself out of going everywhere in my pajamas. As a mom who only works sometimes, I don't always feel the need to get dressed. Then I see those women dropping their kids off at preschool in various stages of dressed and I can't bring myself to be that girl. Now, let's get this straight, my hair always looks like shit, I never wear make up and sometimes I have breakfast on my shirt. But I am dressed. Half the battle right there!

*I forget things on my grocery list on purpose sometimes. It's my guaranteed way of being able to leave the house for a half hour. Sometimes I just need that bag of cheese I forgot so I can finish dinner. LET ME GO GET IT QUICK! And I run. I don't get many breaks from my kids. Honestly, I get no breaks from being a caretaker, as that is my job as well. I am always caring for someone. Going to the grocery store alone is sometimes like a mini vacation for me.

*After I close the door on my car with both my children safely strapped in, I walk as slowly as I can back to my door. I always put the baby in first. He is right behind my seat and his door is right next to mine. Then I walk to the passenger side and buckle Child 1. Then I slowly (sometimes slow enough people think I have a disability) walk back to my side. It's 90 seconds of silence before I am locked in a moving vehicle with someone who wants to know EVERYTHING they can think of during the car ride.

*I refuse to give up smoking because it's the only thing keeping my children alive. Some people say the nicotine is what keeps them calm. NOPE. Not here. The thing that keeps me calm is the 7 minutes I get to go sit on the back porch and not have to talk to those people. If you add all my smoking time together during the day, I really am only away from them roughly 40 minutes. That's less time than someone of you have for a lunch break. I need that time. And if I have to smoke to do it, so be it. Plus, I like smoking. Yes, I know it will kill me, but something will, and I would prefer it be something I like and that I choose.

*I can never remember to fill my gas tank before it is empty. It's not intentional. I'm not hoping I'll wake up tomorrow and the gas fairy has filled my tank (Hint Hint Daddy). I just can't remember it until it gets to crisis stage. Most of what I remember is in my brain because I have already forgotten it twice, and now if it doesn't get done it will seriously turn into a disaster of epic proportions. This is my feeling about my gas tank. I will fill it when it's on E. Otherwise, we aren't in crisis mode yet, and it can wait another day.

*I have keys. I have a lot of keys. I have keys to everything. And they are all on the same key ring. Which at this current moment I have misplaced. I can't keep those things in one place for any reason. I bought a little thing to hang next to my door to help me correct this issue. I can't figure out where I put that either. Many days I have had to ask Child 1 to help me locate my missing keys. I am sad to report that he usually finds them before I do.

For what it's worth, I am a mess. But I figure my brain must be really busy with a lot of important stuff and that's why I can't get my shit together with the little stuff. If this isn't true, don't tell me otherwise. I like my version better.