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Sunday, March 23, 2014

Apparently I endanger my child once a week!

Listen, if you look hard enough, you can find a billion stories online about how "tear-free shampoo made my baby blind!" or "I gave my child a stuffed animal with button eyes and my child almost died!" It happens. Things happen. People aren't perfect. But seriously, not everything is as dangerous as you make it out to be.

There is now an epidemic going on. People are stopping mothers in the grocery stores to tell them that putting a child in a car seat on the top of the grocery cart is unsafe. If my child is walking behind me sipping bleach in the grocery store, feel free to stop me and point it out. Sometimes it's difficult for me to keep my eyes on everyone and still get my list accomplished. If you notice my child is safely strapped into a seat that is safe for him to ride in while hurling down the highway at 65 miles per hour but I have it sitting on top the grocery cart, and you stop me to give me the what-for, I will punch you.

I know I know, some lady hit a bump in the parking lot and her child FLEW OFF THE CART! And it's happened to other people too. But see, I had this idea once. And I use it sometimes. If I hit a bump, I move my hand upward about 2.7 inches and grab the damn car seat! THAT WILL KEEP IT FROM GOING ANYWHERE!

I know with a billion kids and rooting around for your EBT card and checking your iPhone 5, it might be hard to accomplish that. Those parents should leave their children at home. I mean, where would you put them anyway with $300 worth of shrimp and potato chips in the cart? The rest of humanity should just do what moms have been doing since giving birth came into play. USE YOUR DAMN HANDS TO KEEP YOUR KIDS FROM FALLING OFF THINGS!

When my sister was little, I remember my mom propping her on the kitchen counter, holding her with one hand, while using her other hand to do whatever needed done on the counter. I have tried it, but my cupboards are too low and my kid whacks his head. So I plop him in front of the fridge with the ABC magnets and let him go to town.

WHAT???? ABC MAGNETS CAN KILL MY KID TOO!?!?!?!?!?! Seriously people, relax. Once upon a time none of us wore seat belts, we rode in the hatch backs of cars (when cars only came equipped with airbags in the steering wheel- because the driver is the most important person in the car!), we climbed trees until the branches were too thin to hold our weight anymore, we drank soda and ate doughnuts. If I lived through all that, and then some, my kid can play with magnets.

I saw an article that a child was killed in a car seat sitting on the living room floor because her mom didn't take her out of it when they got home. The child died because her little head fell forward and she couldn't breath. It certainly was a tragedy. But it didn't make me any less likely to leave my own child in his car seat. THAT BASTARD WAKES UP WHEN I TAKE HIM OUT OF THERE! So, instead, I just walk by every few moments and make sure his head is the right way. Probably not safe to leave your child anywhere for a few hours without checking on them.

I'm tired of parents making such a huge deal out of all the things that are dangerous for children anymore. They were always dangerous, but there is a huge difference between then and now. Parents paid ATTENTION TO THEIR CHILDREN! Check on em. Yell for em. Keep an eye on em. Something. But parents now just expect that things are so safe that they don't have to be parents anymore.

Frankly, I feel bad for the children of these parents. If you are so worried that you have to chastised parents for letting their kids in car seats on grocery carts, what are your kids lives like at home? Only hypoallergenic everything and a vegan diet? Wooden toys only so they can't collect dander? "Here Billy, snuggle up to this wooden letter block. You can't have a stuffed bunny because it may kill you while you sleep with it's invisible mold spores surrounded by dead skin cells....."

Seriously people, common sense. It goes a long way. And don't ever come up to me anywhere and tell me what I'm doing wrong with my kids. Unless one of them is drinking bleach. Then it's acceptable.