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Sunday, March 9, 2014

Fat Girl Stuff

This morning I did a "fat girl" thing. This does not mean I'm fat, it just means there are certain things girls can get away with when they aren't so particular about how much they weigh. I'm relatively happy where I'm at. Sure, my tummy could be smaller, but I had a C-section, so.....

On to my list!

1) Bacon- We can eat bacon. We can add bacon to things, we can eat bacon alone, we can even make bacon candy (yes, there is such a thing as bacon candy). I personally love bacon, and would put it on everything if I could.

2) Hamburgers- I love hamburgers. I especially love when they have bacon on them. I don't particularly care if they go straight to my thighs. And they are so much better dripping with fat. Yep, I went there. Did you know they have a butter burger???? A hamburger with a dallop of butter in the center.

3) Yoga Pants- the side bar to this is, you don't actually wear them to yoga. I tried yoga once in my living room. I fell over. And promptly stopped doing yoga. But I love the pants. They are so comfortable. And that's what fat girls go for right? Comfort. Yoga pants and a tank top in the summer. Yoga pants and a sweater in the winter.

4) Snacks- I eat snacks. I love snacks. And there is no way I'm talking about carrot sticks and celery. I mean Hostess cupcakes, and chips and cookies. You know, SNACKS. I could make a meal out of snacks, but I don't. And if I do, I make sure it's the only meal I eat that day. It's ok to be a little fat, but I'm not looking to be the next star of "My 600 Pound Life."

5) The Biggest Loser- I can watch this show and just feel ok about where I am at now, because it's where most of these guys end up at. I don't watch the show and critique how they are doing the exercises. I don't watch how much protein they are eating. I just find it amazing they can go through all that in a short time. And end up weighing what I weigh. And be happy there. Which makes me happy there.

6) Fast Food- I don't need to hide that sometimes I stop by McDonalds. I don't need to feel ashamed carrying a bag of fries across the parking lot. No one at the gym is going to make mention of my eating shit. Because honestly, fat girls don't care.

7) Sneakers- I wear sneakers for comfort. They can even look cute. I do sometimes go to the gym, but I am not one of those girls. I lack the determination. I am a non-finisher, remember? So if they are pink and cute (my current ones are pink and gray with memory foam... so awesome), I'll buy them. I don't give a crap if they are designed for running or for walking or for work. They are cute and feel good on my feet. End of story.

8) Breakfast for Dinner, and Dinner for Breakfast- I love it. There's something decadent about eating the wrong things at the wrong times. This morning I had egg rolls for breakfast, which brought about this whole thing. We are fans of having French toast for dinner around here. The kids eat it, Daddy eats it and Mommy loves it. Winning all around. And if you put the powdered sugar on it, totally makes it like eating breakfast AND dessert at the same time.

9) Gym- I have a love/hate relationship with the gym. I am going to run a marathon in October. This is the only reason I go to the gym. If it wasn't for the fact that I was planning on doing this in front of so many people AT A MARATHON, I wouldn't even be going to the gym. I'm ok with a little extra fat in some places. I hate the belly fat. But my ass looks amazing. The gym may make me lose some weight, and I won't argue with it, but I'm not dieting and "protein shaking" and all that. I simply don't care enough. And probably never will if you want the long and short of it.

10) Fat Girl Stuff- I can write about it. I can do it. I can not feel bad about it. It's ok for me to write jokes about fat girl stuff. I can't buy jeans with a single digit size. I certainly don't fit into a size small shirt. I'm not fat, but I'm fat. And only other 'fat but not fat' girls get this. You can compete with the skinny girls, but you can do all the stuff the fat girls do too.

Honestly, being that pleasant middle ground is just about perfect. I don't kick myself in the ass if I miss a week at the gym. I don't monitor my calories like it's my new job. I don't investigate myself in the mirror for an hour before I leave the house. If my hair is moderately in place and nothing private is showing, I'm usually good. I know it drives some people crazy, but there is no point in all that getting ready just to go to the grocery store, dragging two children, and usually getting covered in whatever those children are eating anyway.

Besides, at one time Marilyn Monroe was considered to be the perfect woman, adulteress and all. I wear the same size she does, so I can't be too far off. I was just born in the wrong time, that's all.