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Friday, March 14, 2014

Home Day

Child 1 breaks his life up into two categories: home day versus school day.

Ahhh, to be that young again.

I break my days up into two categories as well: home day versus school day. But my way is a little different than just sheer excitement about hanging out in my underwear all day and watching cartoons. School day means I actually get stuff done during the day. The little one is fairly easy to manage. Put him in his bouncer and problem solved. I can clean around him. The big one doesn't have a place I can put him and he stays. Except the closet. And they find that to be offensive over at the Child and Youth Department. So home day means a day of chasing children and avoiding the land mines of toys that develop.

Today, in case you can't tell, is a home day. A three day weekend. This means that I will get absolutely nothing done until Monday. Right now, Child 1 is sitting on my living room floor, creating a mosaic of small popcorn pieces on my carpet while watching Transformers cartoons. Surrounding him is all his various Transformer Rescue Bot toys and any other toy that may have something small to do with this show so "they can watch it too." He also has brought down his pillows from his bed, a blanket and god knows what else he is hoarding over there is "HIS SPOT!"

Today, I will vacuum a minimum of 3 times. There will still be stuff all over the floor by the time Daddy gets home. Child 1 and Child 2 have trouble actually putting the food into their faces. Sometimes I think they honestly believe that if they just rub it all over their bodies the nutrition will absorb into their skin. I will attempt to fold my laundry again today, but I apologize to anyone who may have stray popcorn kernels folded into their pants. Child 1 likes to come ask me asinine questions while I do things so I'm sure popcorn will end up somewhere. Or Cheez-It's. Or whatever other thing he decides to shove in his mouth today. That kid can seriously eat when he wants to. Just never at dinner time.

Child 2 has broken his bouncer. The kid gets moving so fast and so hard he actually collapses the thing onto himself. A little tip to my Aunt and my cousin who also have a Tigger for a child, be careful what kind you buy, mine has turned into some kind of Chinese finger trap where you must extract the toddler without causing physical damage. Tonight we are headed to Wal-Mart to try to find some kind of bouncer that doesn't kill my kid. I want one that attaches to the doorway, but I'm afraid he will bounce so damn hard he will look like one of those 'Bungee Jumping Gone Wrong' videos on You-Tube.

For now, Child 2 is hanging out in his playpen. It's safe for him there. Plus, he keeps rubbing his eyes, so I'm praying he will nap. Right now, he is just gibbering and throwing his toys out of the playpen so I can fetch them for him like some kind of dog. He gets great enjoyment from this. Keep in mind, every time I touch a toy he growls at me before I give it back. I wish he would learn to speak. Some people will be mildly offended if he enters preschool thinking it's ok to communicate only in grunts and growls. Then I really will have to deal with special education classes. That is so not on my agenda.

Daddy left the house less than 2 hours ago. I already have a headache, my children have already eaten half the food I have in my kitchen (or so it seems), and my living room is somewhat reminiscent of a Hazardous Materials drill I did one time. It sounds a bit like an amusement park in here. You know that sound you hear when people ride a roller coaster, that half screaming in fear half laughing sound? Child 2 has perfected it and is doing at full volume. No, he is not upset, he is talking to his toy dog that sings to him. Child 1 also takes time away from his beloved cartoon to wander over to the playpen and lovingly growl at his brother. And by lovingly I mean in a slightly menacing, slightly taunting way.

I have bred assholes. In case you are already thinking it, I will save you the trouble. Luckily, they will fit in with the rest of our circus family. And thankfully, most of the time, they are only assholes to each other.

I already can not wait for Monday morning, when I can drop Child 1 off at school and say "Have a great day" and come home and clean up the messes I'm sure they will make this weekend. Did I happen to mention that next weekend is a 4 day weekend? Apparently Head Start, who is so enthusiastic about children not missing school, doesn't actually feel the need to have them go to school. My son will enter kindergarten thinking life is all about long weekends. I can't wait to see his face when he realizes that kindergarten is real school.

Is it August yet?