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Monday, March 10, 2014

The things I have to say....

I like to talk. Normally. Or should I say under normal circumstances. When it comes to my children, when I talk I surprise even myself by what has to come out of my mouth.

There are things I never thought I would say. As a mother, I was prepared for weird. As a mother of two boys, I was prepared for stupid. I was not prepared for some of the things I've said, and continue to say. Maybe I never will be.

*Stop licking your brother- This needs to be said multiple times a day, directed to both children. The little one is, well, little. The big one is, well, weird. And it's their new hobby.

*Get your hands out of your underpants- This is now also directed to both children. I was unaware that boys of all ages have a need to touch anything encased in underpants. Incessantly. And giggle.

*If it's not food it doesn't belong in your mouth- This is mostly said about toys and believe it or not, to the oldest. And now that the little one is mobile I have a feeling it will be a constant statement.

*Stop spinning things- This one is just plain silly. I don't know why I say it. The spinning never stops. It's his thing. But it's more annoying to me than when they lick each other. Watching Child 1 spin things actually gives me anxiety.

*Yes, you do have to wipe after you use the bathroom- Again, not sure why I have to say this. Apparently wiping is optional to children. Or is it just boys?

*Are you serious?- This is my go to question. I ask this when I just can't believe what it is I'm seeing. Or what I'm hearing. It has gotten to the point that Child 1 actually thinks the word "serious" is a bad word. Hahaha.

*Do not play 'Punch the Baby' while I'm in the bathroom. Do you hear me?- Child 1 started a game called punch the baby. BEFORE YOU CALL CHILDREN AND YOUTH, he doesn't actually punch the baby!!!!! He punches the side of the playpen and Child 2 giggles like a maniac. Child 2 is usually smart enough to stay back. Usually.

*You can not touch his butt. Go away- Again, strangely, this is said to both children. Usually it involves one child wishing to smack the other one during the getting dressed process. Guess they see it as an opportunity to really get a good one in while Mommy is busy.

*You are not a dog, stop growling- Originally this was just said to Child 1, as growling is his way of sharing his frustration. BUT Child 1 taught Child 2 to growl. Exciting right? Growling is now how Child 2 chooses to communicate. Child 1 thinks this is a riot. As do the other men in the family. They all now talk to Child 2 as if he was a puppy. He may never speak and they all will just grunt at each other all the time.

*Stop biting feet- This is said to both kids. Child 1 bites his own feet. He wants to bite his toenails. The SECOND I see that foot creep above his belly button, I'm on him like white on rice. I think that's disgusting. But Child 2 wants to bite everyone else's feet. This is even more gross and is not allowed. I freak.

*No, it is NOT Jake from State Farm on the phone- Child 1 asked once when Daddy got a call if it was Jake from State Farm. I laughed so hard I couldn't breath. This made it an automatic question to be asked every time the phone rings. Every time.

I'm sure there are plenty more. I know I walk around saying things daily that I have to walk out of the room and laugh about. I laugh a lot. Children are hysterical if you catch them in the right mood. Mine are in the right mood all the time. I breed comedians. I can't wait to see the April Fool's jokes we can start to do now that Child 1 is getting older.

Speaking of that, friends and family, April 1st is coming up quick. Last year I was pregnant and on bed rest so you all caught a break. This year, hold onto your asses. I'm coming.