I wish I didn't know

Not all of my life is funny. Some of it is harder than hell. A little bit of it is scary. Yesterday definitely fit into the scary portion.

My morning started off relatively easy. I got paid to go to a 2 hour training, to learn things I've already been doing for almost 10 years. I shocked the hell out of everyone when I knew how to use a Hoyer lift. Its a giant machine for lifting people for those friends who aren't in the medical field.

And that brings me to my current dilemma. I am in the medical field. I have worked EMS for 9 years, I have a background in pharmaceuticals (a legal one), and I currently do home health care. When disaster strikes, I usually know how to handle it.

Unless it is one of my own.

Once, Child 1 popped out his thumb. I cried and ran to my Mommy and Daddy for help. My Dad had to fix my sons finger. I have relocated thumbs before. It's relatively easy. Just never my own child. Now Child 1 does it like a party trick. I taught him how to pop it back in himself, because I still can't do it. HA

Child 1 has had a medical journey. My true friends know what's going on. I'm not ready to share it with the world. But it has been a long one. And a tiring one. And a frustrating one for both him and myself.

Child 2 seems to be embarking on his own medical journey. And his is scary, because I know. I know what can cause some of the symptoms. I know what can be doing these things. And hopefully we are all just being over reactive parents and seeing something that isn't there. But I doubt it.

Last night I sat and cried and ate ice cream. I never eat ice cream. I was upset. Not because both my children see doctors more than most. I cried because I want an easy life for my kids. I want them to be happy and healthy.

They are both happier than pigs in shit. They are both still technically healthy. But, I know. In the case of Child 1, I know his life is frustrating. In the case of Child 2, I just know what certain things means when the nurse says them to me thinking I'm a Joe Schmoe.

I think it would be easier if Mommy was a cashier at K-mart and didn't know squat about anything.